The Epilogue

There were no sounds echoing off the cold concrete walls in the empty jail section at two o’clock in the morning. Until…

WHOOOOOSH!

A toilet flushing interrupted the silence that Cillian Knight was not listening to. His earplugs were pressed tight into his skull to block out the sound of static air, Old Man Jimbo’s snoring, and the occasional toilet whoosh. As peaceful as his gated community seemed, Knight’s mind was keeping him wide awake by putting him through the seven stages of grief.  Behind his eyelids he watched memories of his father play like a sepia-themed slideshow. If he were asleep right now, they would be in black and white.

The reels were forcing themselves into Knight’s consciousness ever since he had the most unexpected day of his life three days ago. The news of his father’s death left him so unsettled that he canceled his trades with Wess so he could take his full dose of Effexor. But he didn’t stop there. He actually spent five soups a day getting BuSpars and more antidepressants to flood his system. Now he lay in bed, legs restless from the Seroquel, and his subconscious feeding him an endless stream of memories with a numb emotional detachment.

There was a time when Cillian was about eleven years old, reading a book called Adam of the Road by Elizabeth Janet Gray.

Adam of the Road follows 11-year-old Adam Quartermayne, the son of a traveling minstrel in 13th-century England, who dreams of becoming a minstrel like his father, Roger. After a period of stability traveling with a noble household, everything falls apart when Roger loses his money and horse in a gambling match, and another minstrel steals Adam’s beloved dog, Nick. While chasing the thief, Adam becomes separated from his father and is forced to survive on his own. Along the way, he performs, faces loss and loneliness, and struggles to hold onto his identity and hope. Eventually, Adam is reunited with his dog and finds temporary stability with a kind family, but continues his search until he finally reunites with his father. Given the option of a more settled life, Adam ultimately chooses the road, embracing the life of a minstrel and demonstrating his growth, independence, and commitment to the identity he has fought to claim. He meets wonderful people along the way who want to help him, and terrible people who want to use him. Slowly he comes to understand something his father had told him long before. "The road's a kind of holy thing."

In this memory, little Cillian recently received such an impactful book from the library, and had just turned on his lava lamp to read by its green and yellow glow. But before the lamp was hot enough to form its usual slow-moving bubbles, something strange happened. A portion of the wax stretched upward before splitting into a V-shape. When he looked up from his book, he was terrified. It looked like a skeleton’s arm with a demonic claw was coming out of the lamp!

Terror filled his young imagination, so he ran downstairs to his dad’s office, where he knew he’d be sleeping.

“Hey, Dad…” little Cillian said as he stepped into the dark room.

“Hey, buddy,” his dad murmured, voice tired with sleep. “What’s wrong?”

“Sorry I woke you up Dad, but something scary just happened and I don’t want to be alone.”

“It’s okay, I’m here buddy. Come sit down.”

There was a bed in the office because his dad had been sleeping in there ever since his parents revealed they were getting divorced.

His father flipped on the light and sat on the edge of the bed with him.

“What’s got you scared, my little Silly C?”

Little Cillian started off by telling his dad he’d been reading Adam of the Road, then he got sidetracked by describing the part of the book he was on. After a lot of explaining, he finally got to the demon claw in the lamp. “Well, let’s go take a look at it together, shall we?”

Hand in hand, they walked upstairs into his room. When his dad saw the lamp, the wax had already transformed into something else.

“It must have changed,” little Cillian said, “but I swear it was really scary.”

“Oh, I believe you,” his dad said softly. “But there’s nothing to be worried about. It was just your imagination playing tricks on you. Always remember son, your mind is powerful enough to overcome the fear of anything.”

More than one salty tear slid down Cillian’s nose as the memory continued.

His father hugged him, tucked him into bed, turned off the lamp, and headed back downstairs.

Cillian chuckled softly in his cell, remembering how he had only waited a minute after his dad left, before getting up, turning the lamp back on, and returning to Adam of the Road.

{“Your dad was right, you know.”}

The voice was back, and this time, he knew who it was.

“You’re him… You’re the voice I’ve been hearing since I got here. You spoke to me on my bunk when I was blasting off. I saw your face... You’re the man whose life I ended.”

{“That’s right.”}

“Can this be real, or is this just my imagination?”

{“What is reality, but your imagination?”}

“I think I’m imagining a real person… or a real voice.”

{“True enough. But that would make me a ghost, and you don’t believe in ghosts.”}

“Even if I did, that would still make you only real to me.”

{“What is real to you, is real to God. He made you and He knows the depth of your heart.”}

Cillian Knight did not know what to think for a moment. Why would this voice in his head be bringing up God?

Suddenly he knew it was not his head that needed to understand what the voice was saying, but his heart. As he searched deep within, he felt an aching guilt that pulsed with every heartbeat.  

“In my heart I feel real shame for what I did. If I would have made better decisions leading up to the accident, you would still be alive.”

{“Go on…”}

“And, I am sorry. I am so sorry. I don’t know your name, but I am truly sorry for taking you away from this Earth.”

{“Good, very good. There just might still be hope for you yet. But you’ve only just thought about apologizing. Your true salvation comes not just from what you think on the inside, but what you do on the outside.”}

  “You mean this is all a test?”

{“Life has always been about testing yourself through the choices you’ve made.”}

“How can that be true? I never had a choice to come here.”

{“Hahaha, you never listen do you Fool? You always have had a choice.”}

“What does that mean?”

{“….…”}

“Helllllo?”

{“..…..”}

And just like that, the voice inside Cillian’s mind went quiet, leaving him to reflect on what the Holy Ghost had said.

Could he really have chosen life before he was ever even conceived? Were all the choices he made in his life really going to dictate what happens to him after he dies?

The very real fear of going to hell for eternity because of his poor choices began to make him panic.

But tonight, he wasn’t going to spiral. Tonight, he remembered what his father told him at eleven to bring him peace.

Your mind is powerful enough to overcome the fear of anything.

Cillian knew the road would be always be his home now, no matter where it took him. His whole body was finally able to relax, the tension in his back eased, his legs stilled, his heart slowed to a resting beat, and his mind quiete 

d. His soul had found the missing peace.

For the first time in one hundred and seventy-two nights, Cillian Knight fell peacefully asleep… at home.

End of Epilogue