I have a hard time adopting the mindset that I was treated unfairly, because at the end of the day, I did break the law in an extremely serious way, and therefore it was well within the rights of the courts to handle me the way they did. Not just the courts, but the public too, should have the right to judge my actions. And that’s the whole purpose of this fucking page, because if I have to go through life explaining this every time a background check is required, or I want to get close to someone, then I might as well provide the whole picture.

I’ll never stop running from my past, but I am so done hiding from it.

I will never believe it was okay to do what I did, especially in the way it was asked of me. Because what happened was messy as fuck. I have such a hard time comprehending how brutal it looks, and how impossible it feels that I have to sit with a narrative that I killed a man with my bare hands out of love. Do you know how insanely hard that is to explain or to cope with even after all this time? Drunk people at bars tell me all the time concepts like “Dude, how can you be so stoic and okay after going through that.” People all the time are in awe that I seem to be such a bright and happy person even when I have a hole in my sock and nothing but the $60 bucks in my pocket because three people in the bar picked up my book and I was around to make the sale.

I have an answer in which I can answer here, while I’m alone on the beach, with my ink and dead tree to write on.

The answer is poured from a bottle of whine though.

I am all of the perceived negative emotions when I am alone. Shame, sadness, regretful, melancholy, fear, anxiety, worry, self-depreciating, bored. For me, these are very common side effects of being alone. However, they allow me to make heartfelt bleeding art that I think comes out “good” simply because it is hard and feels earned.

Nobody who hasn’t been through hell, will fully appreciate heaven.

And that’s what being around people truly is for me. Heaven. I love being around people in the settings I choose to put myself into. It’s a vacation away from being alone and all the negative emotions are replaced by smiles, jokes, good vibes, and plenty of dopamine listening to others.

I can’t help it, I’m a completely different person when I’m around other people than when I am alone. And I think a lot of people can relate to that, it’s just that I take everything to the extreme end of the spectrum.

Now you kind of get the gist of why it feels like I have a duo personality sometimes.

I will always be haunted by that night. But the ghost of my father is not a shadowy figure… he is a bright, beautiful, and beaming light!!!

He does not whisper like the Holy Ghost, he and his fellow Mormons believe in, but blazes with memories of tenderness and love. Especially in moments when hardship strikes, or sleep is missing.

I must pause here to offer an apology. To all who have carried hurt or grief because of my actions, I am sorry. I know he was a man deeply loved, and I do not expect forgiveness… not from some, not from all. Still, I give you this sincere apology.

A second apology: I am sorry to those I abandoned, left behind, or was too selfish to continue cultivating a relationship with. I am sorry for the promises I broke and the trust I betrayed. I am sorry to the people I still owe a couple bucks to while living on the bum. I am sorry for putting myself first so many times under the guise of ‘putting the oxygen mask on first.’ I am sorry to those who’s feelings have been hurt because I used the word NO (that one’s a little passive aggressive) I am sorry for the excuses I made to avoid doing the hard thing (and sometimes the right thing). I am sorry for my pretentious attitude, and for acting as though I always knew best.

And lastly, I am sorry to myself.  For being so cruel, for being so harsh. For knowingly placing myself in risky situations these last few years, driven by a suicidal mindset and a belief that I was nothing more than a dead man walking.

I know that the path of discipline is the most fulfilling.

Nature literally does not care about your feelings, or mine.

Fortune favors the adaptable, the accountable, and the ones who exercise empathy.

So, the real question I have is this:

Will fortune favor you moving forward?